A little bit stronger

I think it is safe to say I have never had my heart broken before.
Recently it has been broken when my relationship ended before I was ready. Although I have known for a long time that I was unhappy and that I couldn't be happy going forward in that relationship "forever" if things were going to stay the same, I still wasn't ready to let it all go just yet.

Human emotion is a bizarre concept. And when your emotions stop coinciding with what your head is telling you things can get pretty confusing. Like I said, I was unhappy in my relationship for a long time now, and I had been figuring out a way to end things without breaking his heart. The difference between guys and girls is he didn't care about breaking mine...

For the last two months nothing has made sense to me I have never felt so confused. The only parts of our relationshipI could remember were the good things. None of those reasons and feelings I had previously seemed to be there anymore. All I could feel was sad, and I didn't feel like me. My emotions were taking over and I was causing myself so much confusion that wasn't necessary. My heart and my head weren't on the same page, and it was making it very difficult to see the good in what had happened.

It has been two months and I feel confident when saying that I have reached the last stages of the "grieving" process. It has been a seemingly long road. Two months has never passed slower for me.

It started with denial and isolation; I just couldn't come to terms with the shocking reality of it being over in the blink of an eye. All the time we had spent together, all the memories we had made and all the energy that I had put forward and it was just over, naturally to follow was anger; the pain started to re-emerge and to keep it at bay I became angry. Angry at  him, angry at me and angry at the world, until I started to feel desparate and began bargaining making deals with anyone up above that might be listening. Considering whether I should pack up my life and return to the life that I had been settling for in order to get things back to the way they were. After I realized there was nothing I could do, it appeared that he was doing fine and moving on I began the stage of depression; crying all the time, just feeling sad and empty. I was a mess and feeling like someone else. I have never been so sad in my entire life. I've never felt pain like that before. And suddenly I woke up about a week ago and I had made it. I made it through all four stages of terrible suffering and emotional chaos and here I am now I have come to the acceptance stage and it feels good. Since he's been gone I feel like I can breath for the first time. I'm ready to move on from the sadness and be me. I am a strong, resilient, and indpendent woman. On the inside there's something you can't crush,  I might get down but I won't stay down long because I am way too strong.

What it all comes down to is needing a Man, not a boy who can't handle life, or has their priorities backwards. When life got tough he chose flight over fight, and it wasn't the first time. And I can bet that he will choose flight in the future every single time. It doesn't mean he is a bad person, it just makes him not the person for me. I believe that sometimes you have to fight for what you want. Life isn't always easy and sometimes it throws you curve balls. You just have to be ready for them and stick together. That's what love is really about. And actions speak louder than words.

I'm done hoping that we can work it out. I'm done with how I feel's spinning my wheels and letting you drag my heart around. I'm done thinking that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same but I've told myself I will be okay. Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger.

Fight or Flight

Life gets hard...

Matt and I broke up ... after 7.5 years together...it was the right thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier. Its hard, breaking up is hard. You don't realize the kind of routines that you form until you are forced to break them. Little things, daily things they just stop. It's a bizarre feeling...

In the first two days my emotions were running high. Everything that I looked at and talked about reminded me of him somehow. Television commercials, what I was eating, where I was sitting, everything had been "touched" by Matt at some point or another. And after crying every last tear in me, I felt good knowing that we had made the right decision. I was able to breathe once I got back to the city. I was happy again, going back to my regular Toronto life, they didn't involve Matt much so, it was easy to put him out of my head most of the time. I didn't feel much like going to work but it kept me occupied and that would be 8hrs a day where I wasn't thinking about my emotional issues...

Two days into the week, I lost my job. Yep, work was doing cut backs and it was a "last one in, first one out" situation. I was at my 90th day of my 90 day probation period. Britt had emailed to say "Happy 3 months Lu". For whatever reason my response was "lets just see if I make it through today". I was joking of course, not seeing why I would be going anywhere. I had been performing to the best of my ability and had been told several times that I was catching on quickly. We even went out for a team lunch the day before and surely they wouldn't have brought be along to be let go the following day. I was certain in my position and my performance. Little did I know that other's in the company had a new fate for me all together. My phone rang, which it rarely does, and the display said Boardroom 4. I answered and the HR Manager was on the other end, and asked if I could meet with her and a Principal at the company right away. My heart sank...there would be no good reason why this would be happening. Only bad...and sure enough my position was terminated due to cutbacks in the company. They reassured me it was not due to my performance, and it was not personal. There would be several cutbacks made that day and I was the first of many to be informed. That wasn't reassuring in the least. It was only 2 weeks prior that I had filled out a form stating how I thought things were going and I was reassured at that moment by the very same HR Manager that if my review was going to be "bad news" I would have been informed by now...I guess she spoke too soon.

So needless to say the last few weeks of my City life haven't been the best weeks of my life. I'm dealing with it and getting through things. I'm a tough cookie, and I'm holding it together very well. I have been on the job hunt of course. That is never fun but inevitable in my situation. I have a had a few interviews, so I'm hoping those have gone well enough to land me an excellent position in the city again. I hope that I can find a team that meets the standards that my Interiors team has set, and that's pretty high!

I'm trying to get a plan together. A five year plan which will put me at 30, which is scary. Britt and I are working on somethings and figuring out where we will relocate. Somewhere warm and sunny I hope...

As I was hustling down the street today, in the rain and without an umbrella, some random individual called me fat. I'm feeling very confused. Why would an individual be so cruel to a complete stranger? I have worked hard my entire life to be nice to people. I feel like "you get what you give". And at this point I'm not so sure that statement is true. I also believe that "everything happens for a reason" so what could possibly be the reason for me and this man to cross paths at that exact moment for him to insult me, embarass me, and make me feel absolutely terrible. What might the reason be? Is this another test of character, because I'm dealing with enough s**t to be testing that. Still I just can't fathom why someone would be so mean to me, when he doesn't even know me. Its uncalled for and rude. And I hope that I can soon forget the feeling that I have right now as I type this, and the way he has turned an absolutely great day into a terrible, sad and emotional day.

On that note, he has highly motivated me to hit the gym tonight.

Time for Soul Searching...

Its been quite a while since I've bothered to update this page. I've been in a mood where writing is uninteresting to me, where I feel that I have nothing worth telling/saying and that I definitely don't want to bore the world with nothing.

Since then I have begun to find my way into a happier place. Please do not mistaken me, I'm a legitimately happy individual that has a very positive attitude and bright outlook on life. I had simply begun to feel unfulfilled. I was looking for something more. More than Niagara, more than my job, more than the life that I had become so comfortable with that became too much a routine, comfortable and uneventful.

After determining that a move and change of pace would do the trick I began to search a new job that would take me somewhere that I could be me. Meet new people, take on a challenging career, explore a new environment, and just be.

New York City it was, the heart of Manhattan could not be a better fit. Hustle and Bustle, big city, big career, shopping, dining, and a world of culture. Soon after beginning to apply I was receiving emails back in regards to interviews and opportunities were presenting themselves. After 2 day trips to the city I had landed a job. I real job with a large and well established company with individuals who are hard-working and know what corporate life is all about. I was the Executive Assistant for a self-made millionaire working in the penthouse at 54th and Broadway. Things were looking up...

With 2 weeks of vacation ahead of me I gave very short notice to NorCliff and moved into Holiday mode. First Christmas, then a cruise. Over this very short crunch I had several conversations with Matt in regards to whether or not we would remain a couple with this move. He was sure that we wouldn't, I was sure we could make it work. Knowing that only time would tell. While on our 2 week vacation Bee and I had one too many drinks and began talking. Both of us revealing the truth about our feelings in regards to moving to the big city and what it would mean for both of us. We decided that it was too much, too scary and too far to move in such a short period of time. (once we returned from vacation Jan 8 at Midnight, we had Sunday January 9th to pack our life and I had to be at work Jan 10th).

We decided that it wasn't our time. We needed to rethink our plan. Throwing away hundreds of dollars on plane tickets and condo rentals we took the low road and chickened out. Embarassed and disappointed in our own decision we hit up the job hunting scene again. By now we had both given up our jobs and were far too determined to move forward than to ask for those jobs back.

After 2 months of searching here we are happily living in TO together in a Townhouse style apartment and loving every minute of it. The freedom, the relaxation, a new job, a new city to explore and more than enough to do. We haven't had a free moment to spare.

Definitely a safer move that is proving to be equally as exciting! So happy we played it safe, I hope that Manhattan is in my future, but for now Toronto has become Home Sweet Home.