Recently it has been broken when my relationship ended before I was ready. Although I have known for a long time that I was unhappy and that I couldn't be happy going forward in that relationship "forever" if things were going to stay the same, I still wasn't ready to let it all go just yet.
Human emotion is a bizarre concept. And when your emotions stop coinciding with what your head is telling you things can get pretty confusing. Like I said, I was unhappy in my relationship for a long time now, and I had been figuring out a way to end things without breaking his heart. The difference between guys and girls is he didn't care about breaking mine...
For the last two months nothing has made sense to me I have never felt so confused. The only parts of our relationshipI could remember were the good things. None of those reasons and feelings I had previously seemed to be there anymore. All I could feel was sad, and I didn't feel like me. My emotions were taking over and I was causing myself so much confusion that wasn't necessary. My heart and my head weren't on the same page, and it was making it very difficult to see the good in what had happened.
It has been two months and I feel confident when saying that I have reached the last stages of the "grieving" process. It has been a seemingly long road. Two months has never passed slower for me.
It started with denial and isolation; I just couldn't come to terms with the shocking reality of it being over in the blink of an eye. All the time we had spent together, all the memories we had made and all the energy that I had put forward and it was just over, naturally to follow was anger; the pain started to re-emerge and to keep it at bay I became angry. Angry at him, angry at me and angry at the world, until I started to feel desparate and began bargaining making deals with anyone up above that might be listening. Considering whether I should pack up my life and return to the life that I had been settling for in order to get things back to the way they were. After I realized there was nothing I could do, it appeared that he was doing fine and moving on I began the stage of depression; crying all the time, just feeling sad and empty. I was a mess and feeling like someone else. I have never been so sad in my entire life. I've never felt pain like that before. And suddenly I woke up about a week ago and I had made it. I made it through all four stages of terrible suffering and emotional chaos and here I am now I have come to the acceptance stage and it feels good. Since he's been gone I feel like I can breath for the first time. I'm ready to move on from the sadness and be me. I am a strong, resilient, and indpendent woman. On the inside there's something you can't crush, I might get down but I won't stay down long because I am way too strong.
What it all comes down to is needing a Man, not a boy who can't handle life, or has their priorities backwards. When life got tough he chose flight over fight, and it wasn't the first time. And I can bet that he will choose flight in the future every single time. It doesn't mean he is a bad person, it just makes him not the person for me. I believe that sometimes you have to fight for what you want. Life isn't always easy and sometimes it throws you curve balls. You just have to be ready for them and stick together. That's what love is really about. And actions speak louder than words.
