My Weight.
I guess it's no secret that this has been a struggle for me, my entire life.
When I was in elementary school I was picked on for being chubby.
I have vivid memories of my grandparents patting my belly while I was in a bathing suit on summer vacation at the cottage. Those same grandparents making a annoyingly big deal when I had/have ever lost a noticeable amount of weight.
Co-workers referring to me as a "big girl" and strangers in the street yelling things like "get out of the way fat ass".
Even my own sister cutting deep in a fight "you eat everrryyything, you're such a cow". And so because of all this I, naturally, feel a heightened sensitivity when mom says "oh, that {insert article of clothing} is a bit tight. it's pulling {in the arms, across the chest}" which is, of course, a clear sign that something doesn't fit properly. She's right. Of course she's right. But those comments strike anger and defensiveness because I've heard those comments too many times. And I already give myself grief about not being a size that anything looks cute on. Oh that dress is so cute...in a size 2. #farcry
It's crazy how you never forget those things. It's also crazy because if you don't know me, you are probably thinking, by the way I'm talking, that I'm morbidly obese. It's not even the case. I've always been chubby. But I've never worn anything larger than a size 14 at my very heaviest. I hover around a 10/12.
I don't think anyone would look at me and guess how much I actually weigh. I've been told I "carry it well" whatever the hell that means.
So now I have a serious complex about my weight. Naturally. As you can imagine that one would after 27 years of hearing about how I can stand to lose a few pounds from my closest family members to people I have never met and will never see again offering up their UNWARRANTED opinions. I've given up, for the most part, caring about what other people thing of me. Let people talk. Let people say mean things. I'm a good person and if you don't care to get past the 25lbs I have to lose then that is your problem, Sir. And you don't seem like the type of person I want in my life anyways. Thank you so much for making that obvious. #truecolors
I've gone through periods of time where I'm really watching what I eat and avidly going to the gym. The results are phenomenal. There is nothing like working out. It makes you feel good all over. Even when you're sore all over. It's a good sore. The only kind of pain that you're thankful to be experiencing. Immediately your confidence changes. You know you're doing good things for yourself. Your heart is thanking you and each step on the treadmill gets a little bit easier with your hard work and dedication. "I really wish I didn't just do that" said no one ever after a good workout and leaving the gym.
But I'm a lover of food. I'm not a fussy eater. Which is dangerous in my opinion. I'll try ALMOST anything once. And I love all cuisines and I'm Wonder Woman in the kitchen. My sister says I can make a meal out of anything. And it's true. A little of this and a little of that and voila! you have a delicious dinner. This comes in handy when my bank account gets low and I'm forced to eat things that are in my pantry. There are also periods of time where I'm more lax with the gym, only forcing myself to go 2-3 times a week and other weeks not at all. And instead of fixing myself something delicious and healthy. I'm ordering take out or stopping at the grocery store for something deliciously fattening like a frozen pizza or fried chicken. Those are the bad times. I've fallen in to a repetitive cycle where it's so good, and it's so damn easy and I don't have to plan, or think about what I'll have for dinner. I just pick it up. Anything I feel like. And the worst part, going to the grocery store hungry. When you want everything and your cravings get out of control. Anyone with me? Ya, whether you want to admit this to me or yourself or not, you know you've been there at least once.
So I fluctuate over the years. Good habits equal good results and I've seen them so I can say for sure, it's true. Bad habits equal bad routine, bad mindset, bad results and overall feeling bad about myself. And I have been there too and can say with 100% certainty it's true. But I haven't given up. I've gone down and up and up more and down a little. And I know that I can do this. I know what it takes. I think that is half the battle.
I hear about women who go to extreme measures to lose weight. Shake diets, cutting out food groups, soup diets, 500 calorie diets. Those will never work. Your body is not meant to survive for long periods of time on diets like this. And when you finally give in and nourish your body because your cravings are so strong and you get to your breaking point. Those 10 pounds you've dropped in a week will come back. If you want to keep it off you must change the way you think about food. You must change your lifestyle. This is not a 2 week, 2 month 12 month program and then be done with it. It's a new way of living. I have found this perfect balance with Weight Watchers. There is not a single food item I cannot have. NOT A SINGLE ONE! It's all about moderation. And THAT is something I can handle.
I've been with weight watchers for 4 months now. I've lost 10 lbs overall. I've lost a bit more than that but gained some back. I feel really good and I know this will work. It's something I can manage and maintain and continue on with forever. A true lifestyle change. That I can get on board with. Because, as a lover of food, I can have it all. I just need to be smart. Think about bang for your buck, is it worth eating things that are empty points. And how you come to find your lifestyle change that works for you is up to you and will come with time if you're really seeking it. If you want something bad enough, you'll get there.
Today my post comes from feelings of frustration. As good as I feel. As motivated as I am. As strong as my body has become in the last 14 days I'm seeing no scale results. I feel a tiny bit defeated.
I'm in a really good place right now. Yet feeling more frustrated than I can explain. I wake up at 5am every single day before work. Set an alarm on Saturdays to get in a really good workout before the tiny gym at my complex begins to feel crowded by adding a third body. I'm taking Sundays off. Because well, dammit I deserve it. And I think my body needs a rest too. Out of the last 14 days I have been to the gym 12. My routines consist of cardio/weights combinations and a couple days of plyometric workout routines. And the scale hasn't budged. I feel so good. Like so so good. Stronger, cleaner, empty of toxins, less bloated. And I can't describe this much more and I guess you only know it when you've experienced it. But I feel cleansed. I know it's not all about the scale.
I'm just keeping that in mind. because I know that eventually my inside progress will show on the outside. With more toned muscles and eventually weight loss. I know there are other women out there experiencing the same frustration. I also recognize it's only been 14 days. My body likes to hang on to fat for as long as possible. I've experienced this in the past as well. This is not news to me. But does not make it any less frustrating. But I will continue to work hard. I will keep you updated on the progress. For anyone else out there feeling annoyed but working your butt off. Know that you're doing good things. You are beautiful. You are strong. And you will achieve the results you're after.
XO
L.
